The Voyage of Captain Obvious

Grading is satanic

Monday, August 01, 2005

A Note to Madison Avenue

Dear Madison Avenue,

I understand that you pay for the "fine" entertainment that I recieve for free over the public's airwaves, and that you have bought the right to put whatever you want in the space between segments of crappy shows. Regardless, I have some pieces of advice for you on how to both best use this time you've bought, and to not make me want to go on a rampage down your street.

1)Stop reinventing shit that has worked well since time immemorial. I dont' want my fucking shaving experince to be a high tech flight through the danger zone. I just want to get rid of my damn hair. That's it. Mission accomplished using crap availible in the 60s. You too, toothbrush people. Stop. Current stuff works fine. You are just pissing me and everyone else off when you try to convince us that our current toothbrush is somehow inadequate.

2)You might think that your pitch is more convincing the 10,000th time that someone hears it, but in fact, it is much, much less convincing. If I hear someone screech "yeow, that's hot" from my fuckning TV one more time, I will not be responsible for my actions. It makes me wish I ate meat just so I could boycott the stupid place for the specific reason that the damn ad is trying to kill my brain. You don't want your target audience feeling this way about your company. actually, you want the opposite, or you wouldn't be advertising

3)Don't advertise drugs that have suicide as a "side effect", targeting people that don't really need them. In general, stop advertising goddamn prescription drugs. Let the doctors tell their patients what prescriptions they need. And a general fuck you to the makers of Wellbutrin for inspiring point 3). Depressed people are the last ones that should be fucking self-medicating.

4)On the topic of drugs, how about cutting back on the rediculous cartoons of the pepto covering my stomach, or the ss. nautilus sailing around my goddamn bloodstream, or insects inside my toe getting crushed with pills. Who does this convince? I, for one, am really freaked out at the prospect of having a little ship sailing around me that has a crisis with every goddamn time I burp or have indigestion. And I really don't want little white pills crushing random shit inside my body. I'm very happy with the stuff inside my body. Drug people, take a fucking hint from the NyQuil people--a before photo of sick people, an after photo of people sleeping. That's all that's fucking necessary to communicate your message.

anyway, sorry about the rant, but I had to get that off of my chest. Post your favorite annoying ad habits if you wish...


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